Being a Safe Place for Other Women
Female friendships can be sticky. When we had our podcast meet-up we had a large conversation about friendship and all the topics that apply to building relationships. We’re in the middle of a series on friendship on the podcast because every woman wants close female friends but they can be hard to find.
I have a few friends I say a lot of stuff too. Stuff that I wouldn’t say to most people, whether it’s jokes, serious issues I’m struggling with, or things I need them to pray about. There are a few other women that I’m not as close to but they have proven themselves to be masters of discretion and I would also trust them with more serious issues. But there are a lot of women that I don’t let past the surface of my life.
All of us need a safe place in friendships. I have discovered that I can’t fix my friend’s problems. I can’t mend their broken hearts or give the perfect piece of advice or make their kids quit fighting. But I can be a safe place. I can be a place where they can come when they need to talk or when they need someone to pray for them.
We women need each other. We need to be women who aren’t judging or criticizing but who listen and encourage and lift up. I don’t mean that we shy away from the truth. In the context of relationship, stating the truth in love can be the ultimate way of helping a friend. But there is a big different between sharing truth that has changed your life and beating someone over the head with a struggle she is having.
1. Listening. Ever talked to someone who never listened to you? Instead of listening, she lectured. Or she heard a few words and spent the rest of her time formulating a response that wasn’t relevant to your situation. Or she immediately started in on a list of how you could fix that problem of yours. Most of the time you don’t need someone to fix your problems. You need someone to care enough to listen. You need someone to hear your heart.
Listening means looking her in the eye. It means responding to what she is saying. It means taking her hurts and cares into your own heart. Listening means not looking around for someone more exciting to talk to. Listening means checking in with her later so that she knows you didn’t forget.
2. Discretion. Gossip is a sure-fire way to silence the real conversations. The heart conversations that involve who you are and how God is transforming us can only be had when you know that the other person won’t be sharing those stories with anyone else. There are some things that never have to cross your lips. You can let it in at your ears and the only place it comes out is when you are praying in private with your Father.
Discretion means you don’t discuss another person or her problems or imply that you know things that others don’t because it makes you feel important. Discretion is the opposite of gossip. Discretion means you may never tell that you know. Discretion is silence when it would be easier to speak. Discretion is screening your own words when having conversations even with that person.
3. Caring. Often life can be so full that you don’t the have mental space to care about someone else’s problems. Occasionally this is a life stage but more often you are frittering away your time with scrolling on your phone and other mostly useless things. Caring means making room for other people in your heart.
Maybe you text back two days later and specifically say what Scripture you are praying over her. Maybe you send flowers or drop off food or offer to keep the kids for a few hours. Caring means showing up again and again. It means writing down that prayer request and not forgetting to pray for it. Caring is letting someone else’s hurt stay in your heart long enough to affect what you do.
We need to be a safe place for other women. We need a place to share our struggles and burdens and hear a “me too” or a sincere “I’m praying for you” and receive hugs and food and reassurance that this isn’t the end. It’s a place for encouragement and pointing down the right path.
How have you cultivated female relationships?
