How Self Care Works for Me
One of the first things my oldest learned in his kindergarten curriculum was the days of creation. It always strikes me that God used six of His days to work but He reserved a whole day to rest. A whole day when He, God Himself, never gets tired and never sleeps.
We mamas do a lot of creating and making. We make beds and we make tiny humans. We make dinner and snacks. We make grocery lists and we make routines that work for our families. We create the environment that our families live in every day. And there’s a big battle over rest.
God made our bodies with a need to rest. Even our minds need rest from constant work and stimulation. Motherhood is often portrayed in our society as the position where rest is no longer attainable. It’s got to be a special kind of arrogance to think we no longer need to conform to God’s design.
This is where we adopt the martyr mom syndrome. Either we’re proud of our need to not rest, citing all the reasons that our family needs us to continue without a break (until we do break), or we slink in resentful because we’re exhausted and having no fun. I’m not sure either of those is the picture of motherhood we want.
No one ever tells a new dad, “Welcome to fatherhood: where you’ll never shower or sleep again!” Fathers have just as great a call to raising their children as mothers do (a post for another day) and yet no one expects them to wring themselves out to the point of exhausted misery caring for their children. Mothers shouldn’t either. We don’t cease to be people who need sleep and food to function because we become moms. Now, of course, being a mama calls for sacrifice. Often we do miss sleep because babies are up eating or children are sick. But that shouldn’t be the lifestyle we stay in when it’s not necessary. And there are things we should do to help ourselves out in those seasons.
This is where I bring up a battle word: self care. I didn’t do any research on what other people mean by self care and I realize it carries some negative implications. But everyone gets the idea so I’m going to explain a little of what it means to me.
Self care should be about stewardship. God gave us everything we have and He expects us to care for it. This includes our spirits and our bodies. God also gave us our talents and often an aspect of self care involves using those talents.
Self care, to me, is filling myself up so that I have something to give my family. Empty mama has a hard time lavishing love and discipline and joy on needy people. Surely we can all agree with that? And yes, when those times come, Jesus can provide what we need but maybe He gets tired of us not using a little common sense when we can. I’ve been forcing myself to go to bed earlier because I know the difference between exhausted mama and a little-more-well-rested mama. That means I don’t finish the work; there’s a pile of laundry on the couch, a rug still needs vacuumed, there are emails in the inbox. And yet, I can get up the next morning with a smile and some motivation instead of thinking dying might be preferable.
The first thing we need as mamas is time with Jesus. If we get nothing else, this is a priority. I’ve found that this has looked different in seasons of my life and I know that when I have this baby in a few weeks that it will change again. Sometimes I get up before the boys and read and pray then. Often, when I’ve had a tiny baby I’ve read and prayed while I was up through the night feeding the baby. I’ve read after the boys have gone to sleep, during naptime, while they sit beside me and watch a show. I’ve taken notes and not taken notes. I’ve read in a physical Bible and I’ve read on my iPad. It can happen when you make it.
Moving past that, we need times to not be mamas. To remember that I’m Lisa and I enjoy writing and making things and eating chips and queso without anyone crunching chips on the floor. Sometimes this looks like actually being somewhere without my children but on a regular basis this is how I utilize quiet time. It’s a work in progress but I’ve taught my boys to play in two separate spots in separate rooms and I use that hour to write and draw or whatever. It’s interrupted, sure, but it’s golden.
Whenever I enter time when I’m not mothering, one thing has made the difference. (I also do this before napping if I’m trying to squeeze one in.) I pray that I will return refreshed and better able to serve my family. Otherwise self care can become a hunt for myself and me time. If I’m looking to this for fulfillment, it backfires and I’m resentful that it’s not longer or more often.
You have to know what refreshes you. If you don’t like bubble baths, don’t take them. If you don’t like people touching your feet, don’t go get a pedicure. Take a pottery class. Meet a friend to discuss a book. Go to a coffeeshop and write. Don’t waste the precious time that you do carve out to do something without your little ones.
(I took it for granted there that you also need time without your little ones. But I’ve found, consistently over seven years of motherhood, that I am a better mama if I do something without my kids every week or two. It doesn’t have to be a huge chunk of time but it refreshes my mind and I come back ready to mother again. This has been true for every mama I have ever talked to.)
Self care is often portrayed as taking a shower or eating dinner while it’s hot. I believe that’s crazy. I do those things because I’m a person. I’m not a slave to my family although I do try to serve them. Would I skip dinner and eat it cold if I needed to? Sure, and I have. But we have a microwave too. Often I think we are too busy trying to make people feel sorry for us to just do the commonsense thing and reheat the food. Or shower when the kids fall asleep.
Let’s not make this filling up harder than it has to be. Use naptime. Do something you enjoy while you watch a tv show at night. Spend time with Jesus. Love your family hard.
